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Monday, July 9, 2012

A bit off the deep end

When I started this blog I promised that I would be honest about the good and the bad.  Today I need to be honest with myself and I need to do it here.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I live in a vicious cycle of overeating.  I have all the tools in the world to stop it and gain control of my life and I ignore them. Don’t you find that odd for someone that has been tagged a control freak repeatedly?  The one thing I have complete control over is what goes into my mouth.  More than the weather, finances, friends hurting my feelings, work getting chaotic…I can’t control any of those things.  But I can, in theory, control what I eat, so why don’t I? 

I’ve been feeling terrible for weeks.  Constant weekends on the road or entertaining have led to terrible choices and weight gain.  People tell me every day that I’m melting away and how great I look.  Oh how desperately I want to believe them but I know it’s not true.  I watch the scale every morning.  Hell, let’s be honest, I weigh myself probably 2-10 times, depending on the day.  I’m obsessed with it.  And each time I step on, I’m hoping for a miracle and that the scale will deny what I shoved in my mouth this weekend.  But it doesn’t, no matter how much I plead with it to be water weight or bloating or that I’m wearing my shoes.  I’ve gained since I returned from Biggest Loser.  The opportunity of a lifetime and I feel some days like I am wasting it all.  And I don’t want to but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to stop. 

This is a picture of our countertop tonight.  Keep in mind this is after the party.  You can only imagine the food we had on hand when it started on Saturday.  There’s stuff left in the fridge too.  I’ve been dealing with some issues regarding someone I love very dearly and what feels like the gradual demise of our friendship.  I don’t feel like I can be open about it to them and I find that instead, I’m eating it like I’ve done for so many years.  I’m upset about my foot and not being able to work out.  My sister’s wedding is in less than 4 weeks and the dress barely zipped when I returned from BLR.  Now, I’ve put on weight and I’m terrified that it won’t fit the day of.  A sane person would use that as a reason to get it together and take control right?  A little slap from reality?  It’s making me eat more.  I’m at home on the couch with my foot in a walking boot, staring at her wedding invites, pissed that I can’t be at the gym.  And every few minutes I find myself walking into the kitchen and snacking on something on the counter or in the fridge.  Not the good snacks, mind you.  Not the fruit or baked chips or reduced fat crackers.  No, that’s just silly talk. I want the comfort food.  The naughty and forbidden.  That which I know will ruin my scale again tomorrow.  It’s all I can think about.  It’s like it’s screaming my name from the kitchen.  So I ate some.  Then I went back and ate some more and before I know it, I want to vomit.  And the very thought of eating myself into a state where I feel like I need to vomit makes me start crying.  So then I’m sitting on the couch crying, wanting to eat but not wanting to be fat and I’m feeling more and more miserable by the minute.  Pretty messed up, huh?  Its ok, you can think I’m crazy.  Today I probably wouldn’t argue with you about it. 

If someone called me right now and said this was happening to them, I could find a million ideas for them to avoid it, tricks to stop, other activities to try and hopefully convince them to love themselves and think about how much better they will feel tomorrow if they refrain.  Why can’t I do it for myself today?  Why am I sitting here feeding my self-pity and loathing with terrible things?  Why must I sabotage all the wonderful things I have accomplished and how far I have come?  Why can’t I stop eating myself stupid? 


Kary said...

Ok, put on your big girl panties and clean off your counter and your frig of all the junk that's found its way there. YOU CAN DO IT!!! You've come this far, you can continue. When Satan puts those speed traps or bumps in our way, God finds a way for us to get around them or through them. Like you said, you have all the answers and would gladly give them to someone else, now do it for yourself. If you can't do it, reach out to your husband or a girlfriend and ask for his help. It's not wrong to ask for help. If you feel guilty throwing food away, bring it into work, you know someone there will eat it! Your team will also understand why you don't care to have it in your home.

As far as not being able to go to the gym, once again find alternatives. So you can't do things on your feet, well, you can still do things with your arms right. How about some push-ups or curls while sitting. Or how about crunches or oblique crunches. Do you have a rolling chair at home? Do some push & pull moves on it while sitting. You can even do leg extensions while sitting on the non-injured leg. You aren't putting any weight on your injured leg/foot and can still be burning calories. I'm sure your trainer might have other ideas as well. Touch base with him or visit the Wellness Center at work and ask for their ideas.

As far as the friendship issue, sometimes people are put in our lives for a reason and when that reason is gone, the friendship fizzles. It's not a bad thing, but is sad. It looks like you have found other dear friends from the BLR and should cherish those and possibly let the other change to a less-closeness (if that's a word). If there's still a reason for you to be friends, it'll come back around. Tough situation, but still something that you shouldn't let derail you. Would your friend want it to derail you? Think of it that way instead of going to the frig for food comfort.

You have come this far, don't give into the nasty ideas that Satan is putting in your head! You can do it!

Hageman Haus said...

Setbacks are part of the journey, and it's how we learn to proceed in a more positive and successful way. This will happen again in the future, so figure out now how you'd like to face it, figure it out, and find resolution. You got this!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

That first comment is pretty intense feedback...

Just know that all of us out here in the interwebs want you to succeed at your goals. And it is ok to fall down, as long as you get back up.


(and take that food off of your counter into work, and make your coworkers eat it, that is what I do!)